tired.

i'm supposed to be at the grocery store right now.  alone & finally

stocking up.  we usually have tons of fresh produce, string cheese, yogurt &

pretzels available to the kids anytime, but we've been out for a few days. we've

been rationing the milk & are in need of some fresh protein, too.

yet, that didn't happen & i'm not at the store.
.

i also had to cancel two park dates today.  two. 

one that's been planned, one that spontaneously happened & i

thought would work.  it didn't.

even though i doubt those friends truly think this,

i'm tired of not being a great friend.  i'm tired of scheduling

conflicts & compromising.  i'm tired of being behind on e-mail &

work that 'needs' to happen.
.

the babies are napping 2 1/2 hours late.  it would've only been

an hour late, but i heard them laughing & jumping in there.

upon going in to investigate, i found them in the same

crib & jumping together in blood.  

it was obvious that no one was truly hurt [i think it was a nose?]

but, quite the mess for sure.

so, baths, redressed, washing down of the room &

i think they are settling in now.
.

i am tired, tired, tired of checking my e-mail first thing in the morning

and being disappointed.  i want to just run from the computer altogether,

but i literally can't now.  we don't know what the timing will be,

but with clay, i got the e-mail & had to be on a plane 3 days later.
.

i miss the boys so much & i think it has made it even more urgent to me

now that they know they have a family.  i hope they can feel everyone's 

prayers and love.  at the same time that i am so anxious to go, i'm sad, too.

i know it will be worth it, but i also know that it is likely that i will be missing

several weeks of summer.  summer--my favorite time.  the kids and i together

all day....free to play & learn as we wish.  i don't want to miss out on here or

there, but i know that i have to.  it is okay & i know it is part of our refining.
.

it has been 3 months and 7 days since i laid eyes on our boys.

did you know that i knew immediately?

yes, i immediately knew that these were our sons.

i will tell the story in due time.

it's getting closer.

and so are they.  i know that, but at times it is wearying, you know?

 35 minutes after we met:

i think even those around us knew.  anna snapped this without me knowing.

 i am not having a day as planned & i'm not particularly feeling

happy-go-lucky today, but this is it.  i typed it out and i'm done.

trading in my despair for the day for a garment of praise.  [isaiah 61]

i have nothing to be in despair about.  nothing.