walking away.
today, i am overwhelmed by my blessings.
i was in the kitchen preparing a dessert for one of the kid's thanksgiving parties.
that child was at a school that we believe in very much. she was learning, safe & loved.
i had just given chloe medicine, she was on the couch lying down with fluffy blankets,
and a big cup of cold, fresh, clean water.
the babies had just had a healthy snack from our overflowing pantry & fridge
and were in their beds. their cribs. with mattresses, sheets & blankets.
i could hear ellie laughing from downstairs as she spent time with matt whom
we are so blessed to have home with us all the time.
he took calls as needed for his business that he is great at, we both love
& it provides more than enough.
my mind wandered to our next child. a child that we
don't know where they are, their name or how old they are.
we don't know if it will be a child or a sibling set.
we just don't know.
does God have them waiting & they will be revealed
when i'm back in africa this winter?
we just don't know.
what i do know is that my heart longs for our other
children that aren't yet home.
my heart longs to be back in ug@nda serving & loving
on the people there.
my heart aches at the scene that played in my head
last night:
me. seeing our child. knowing. God confirming. going back
to bring our child home.
then...
having to walk away from the other 3 million orphans in that country.
heart-broken that i am not their mama.
i know i can't "fix" everything.
i know that there are many wonderful ministries
serving these children in their home country & that is a great thing.
i know that adoption isn't for every family.
i know that it will never be perfect in this life.
i know it, but dangit it stinks.
it still breaks my heart.
how do i walk away from them and come back to this?
[this food and water and medicine and beds and fluffy blankets
and a big house and warmth and luxury.]
how?
immediately upon writing this, i got the most beautiful answer to my questions here. an answer that i knew, but it is easy to forget in the reality of the lives these children face.
ReplyDeleteto be continued....
your post made me cry but it's so beautiful seeing your heart!!!
ReplyDeletepray and pray and pray.
ReplyDeletei'm right there with you, sister. i'm here now and wondering how i will ever go back to the states.
i cannot wait to read your answer. :)
I am right there with you. To be completely honest, I am hesitant to "go" and "do" this thing because I know I'll be ruined forever. I already am ruined I suspect. Does all you have ever make you want to gag it is just SO much? I am thankful, but know we need to share it. Thanks for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteLove - when I read this I got chills from head to toe - like in my hair too. I really don't know why but it REALLY makes me wonder. [eeekkkk...]
ReplyDeleteShow us Your glory O Lord!
we give until it hurts physically, emotionally, spiritually. i believe part of the calling is pouring ourselves out every day for these He has put into our care. since being home from peru, i have constantly asked, 'what now?'....no answers yet! i am ruined for the cause of the orphan. thanks for sharing your heart!
ReplyDeleteTears. I feel this too. I get it. I really do wonder why....how do we get this and they don't. I know God is sovereign and I believe that but it still stinks.
ReplyDeleteyour future children are blessed to have you as their mom!
ReplyDelete<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteLove, you have no idea how much you inspire me to be a more loving person. You're beautiful inside and out and I cannot thank God enough for allowing me even a glimpse into your life. The size of your heart amazes me and I know that the world is a better place because of you.
ReplyDeleteYou inspire me daily. I'm waiting for God to fill me in on what he has in store for us and our future children. Thank you for helping me see the possibilities.
ReplyDeletei hear you. i feel it too. the leaving and coming home is so hard. and i so wish i could go and gather up as many as i could and be a mama....
ReplyDeleteJesus Come quickly...
ReplyDeleteOK- I know this is completely OFF topic from your post...but..
ReplyDeleteI am doing a giveaway on my blog busybudgetmom.blogspot.com and I'm going to be giving the winner one of your coffee sleeves. I linked your blog in the giveaway so they can check it out as well as your other products- just thought I'd let you know, random! :)
I have felt the tug in my heart to give an orphan a home...praying my husband someday feels the same tug. You are an amazing person and inspire me every day!
ReplyDeleteYou are my daily medicine, my dose of we can all be a better person. I hope you know how reading your words has opened my eyes and my heart as I am sure that it is making so many more families aware. I read all your posts but I had to read this one to my mother, my best friend and my husband. Thank you,
ReplyDeleteOh, Love. You always say things so beautifully, so powerfully.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask a few questions?
* What organization are going to Africa with?
* Will Matt go too?
* Will your kids go?
Also - unrelated - what kind of business does Matt have?
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
I've been saving this in my Reader to look back at again and again. You've got me thinking, Love.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to reading the "to be continued" part of this post.