finding Clayton

i arrived to the babies' home in Africa at night. the children had already been sleeping for

several hours. i could barely sleep in my mosquito-netted bed with anticipation of 

morning. i knew that a mosque call to prayer was going to play throughout the town 

around 5:30am. i was so excited to  finally hear it! i readied myself and made my way over 

to the babies' home.

immediately upon entering the home, a little boy and little girl attached themselves to me. 

6 or 8 others ran over, "ALLO!" that is what they call a stranger. i was overwhelmed with love 

for them. the staff did their morning worship and we lined up the babies for breakfast. 

there are currently 47 children there, i believe that they can hold up to 53. around age 3, 
the children get sent to the "big orphanage" where they are not adoptable at all. 

think about that. 

your 3 year old going to live in an orphanage with no chance of growing up with a family. break.my.heart.

i spent the day feeding, changing cloth diapers (read: kitchen towels tied on), playing & 
loving on the children. they are beautiful and filled with joy. they CRAVE love, affection 
and attention. actually even more sad are the ones that are so used to not getting it, that they 
don't crave it or seek it out. there is one baby girl that i will always remember the look in her eyes. 
so distant and disconnected. what i would give to know she could be loved by a family forever. 
i knew that family couldn't be ours because she was so young and this orphanage prefers 
international couples to adopt children who are 18 months or older.

throughout the day, the little boy who initially came up to me continues to attach to me. 
we did most everything together, when i had to do something else, he acted out. that made my 
heart so sad and i committed to loving on him as much as i could this trip.

towards the end of the day, i met with the director. she told me that there were 2 children 
that we would have the opportunity to adopt. i have never had ANY doubts that our 
child would be there and that i would instantly just know. she told me to spend time with 
the two boys, pray about it and, when i was ready, come tell her who our son was.

the first little boy, "B", is 2 1/2 and i hadn't met him yet. he was very dis-interested in me, 
but i prayed and tried. he is so cute and we did actually end up being buddies. i have no 
idea why, but it was very clear to me....through all the playing, praying, and hoping....that he 
was not our son. he has not been in the home for a long time, and i pray that his forever 
family is coming soon. i truly believe they are.

the second little boy, "D", was the initial little boy that had come up to me and attached 
himself to me. we continued to play and he was always the first to run up to me when i came in. 
as matt and i prayed about him, i continued to not be able to whole-heartedly say, 
"YES, this is our son." i was so heartbroken. i HATED that i wasn't feeling like we were 
the family for "D." i wanted it to be different. i pleaded that we could be the ones to 
love him and show him how special he is....how wanted. i hated that our child wasn't 
here. i questioned the timing and the babies' home....had we not listened closely enough?

after 2 days, i spoke with the director again, and she told me that there were no other options. she 

told me that i needed to realize the "D" is our son....