linking arms.
just over two years ago, i took our first little set of [virtual] twins out for the first time
on my own. clayton had been home for several months & was finally starting to find his
place and security in our family. we went to lunch at Panera because i had
to do something quickly on my laptop. i figured that two 1 year olds would be best
buckled into their double stroller. we all happily ate our lunch--they loved being out and
demolished their muffins into crumbs all over their stroller. it was great.
then, as we left, a lady stuck out her soft, wrinkled hand and touched clayton.
she exclaimed how cute he was and just look at that hair!
it was kind. in my heart, i know it was kind.
but,
i quickly thanked her and scurried out of Panera that day with huge
tears rolling down my cheeks. i've thought about that moment so often, even
more since our older boys have come home, but i've only felt okay sharing it with one person.
now? someone has put so many of my thoughts, so much of my heart about this
into a blog post that i will link you to & beg you to read.
huge tears fell down my cheeks that day because i knew that the probability of that
woman [or many, many other people] reaching out to my son, saying hi to him,
complimenting him and just generally being kind to him would end in just a short
10 or so years. that same woman [or many, many other people] would actually
then do anything to stay out of his path or, worse yet, begin to find him suspicious
simply because he is black.
my tears fell for my son, but for all the other sons, too. black ones and brown ones
that carry a burden with them everywhere they go simply because of our broken, fallen,
[yes even this many years later] racial inequity of a system, country, world.
linking arms with trayvon's mom & jen. please go read her post.
I'm about to go read the post. But I have to tell you that I just now thought of something: three of my nephews are biracial. I didn't even think of something like this happening to them as they get older. What a set of blinders I have put on! Thanks for making me think even more.
ReplyDeletePlease forgive the tangent I'm about to set loose......
ReplyDeleteI do not know what it is like to wear a minority status on my skin. I do not pretend to know what you are feeling as a mother of children who are placed at an automatic disadvantage that is unjust and that makes you fear for their safety as young men. But, I can tell you that I do know what it is like to be judged on the bloodline to which you are born. I have on more than one occasion in my life been excluded, judged, or harassed for being Jewish. That treatment has come from non-Jews, as well as fellow Jews who judge me as 'not Jewish enough' based on my mother having converted to Judaism before I was born. And then there are those that see me as 'too Arab' despite my pale white skin, simply because my father was born in Egypt. (His family was exiled along with almost all the other Egyptian Jews in the 1960s and forced to flee. Most history classes forget to mention this in school.) It is a horrible thing to feel like you do not belong anywhere and that neither your own nor others are accepting of who you are.
This being said, my parents used this to teach my brother and I what has loving been adopted as the 'no asshole' policy in our family. (Yes, we say it just like that. Even in front of Grandma). Others might choose not to like us based on 'what' we are, but we will take you regardless of race, color, ethnicity, religion, etc., as long as you are not an ass hole. Does this make the anger any less vivid or the pain any less when someone chooses to judge me or my family based only on our background/race/religion, but it has allowed me the honor of knowing that no everyone is judging, even when it feels that way. When my parents introduced the 'no asshole' rule when my brother and were of age to start dating, many of their friends laughed and waited for my parents to panic when we dated people unlike ourselves. This never happened. To this day, the first and only question we ask each other about new friends or significant others is, 'is he/she an asshole?'
We can't control others. We can do our best to educate them, but in the long run, all we can do is teach those around us to limit our judgements to one question: Is he/she an asshole?
Will this keep your dark skinned sons safe from racism? No. Sadly. Has it kept by brother and I sheltered from anti-antisemitism, hatred of people with Arab descent, or hatred from other Jews who don't like converts? No. But it does remind us that we are better than that. I might not be welcome in someone's home, but everyone is welcome in mine....as long as they are not assholes. I do not care what you look like, who you call God, what gender partner you prefer. My parents taught me to rise above by modeling this action; and it works because, even as a child, you know that your house cannot be the only house-- somewhere else there is a 'no asshole' house, and somewhere else another. Someday we will out number the other houses. I hope that day is within the lifetime of your children.
Love, I've cried those same tears when thinking about my precious boys. Thanks for this. XO
ReplyDeletei normally don't delete comments unless they are down right mean, but i really did mean to change my settings for this post. sorry that if you can't leave your e-mail, or at least your name, i can't accept your comment.
ReplyDeleteI read her post, and love yours.
ReplyDeleteSteph
SO helpful for you to speak out and speak up! Thankyou!
ReplyDeletethanks for writing about this.
ReplyDeleteas we're adopting from the foster care system, we've been told that chances are, we'll be adopting minority children. and as we have no gender preference, we've been told that chances are, we'll be adopting minority males.
we're happy about that, and know God will bring our sons (or daughters!) to us in his perfect will and plan, but it's true that they may face things our white son, never will.
things for me to prepare for and pray towards now :)
I share those same tears and for the same exact reasons. My one year old is African American and I forever worry about how he will be treated as he grows up. He will no doubt experience life differently than his brother and sister simply because of this "racial inequity" that still unfortunately persists. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and know that many of us mama's feel the same way you do....
ReplyDelete{hug}
ReplyDeleteright there with you
Beautiful. SO beautiful. Thank you for speaking out and UP for this! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I will be contacting you when we adopt. So many questions and prayers going up right now!
I tell my kids I work with in the city all the time that they must show the people that are scared of brown and black skin that they are beautiful people. I tell them to look into people's eyes when they talk to them. The be kind humans. I tell them that if they do these things they will be fine. They will have every opportunity that everyone else has. I pray and hope this is true.
ReplyDelete