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[love.]

i kinda forgot that valentine's day would be here very shortly after
i returned from uganda.  i wanted to go to bed at 6:40 last night, but
remembered snack day and made triple berry muffins &
heart shaped jello jigglers.  i wrote little love notes on valentines
for lunches.  i searched the art cabinet for pretty do-dads to
have craft time with the littles.  i went to grandparents day at the school
and decorated heart cookies and colored heart pictures.
i am here.  
i'm so hesitant to say that i'm going through the motions.
but, i am.  i mean, i'm so, so thankful to be home with my family.
i'm so thankful for love....His and his and theirs.
despite all that?  it is just weird.  weird is the only word that i can
come up with as i decompress.  process.  pray.
we are here.  with all this.  and they are there.
i'm not saying that our way is better....i'm not saying they need all this.
i guess i'm saying the opposite.
why are we here?
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Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 14, 2011 at 4:08 PM

    {hugs}~Praying for steady footing and perfect confidence as you and Matt determine the course for your family. <3

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  2. KathrynFebruary 14, 2011 at 4:37 PM

    Isn't it still great though?

    Deken was one of two kids out of 11 in his class that actually made valentines for his classmates... I was shocked at that. But not shocked at the fact that the other kid with homemade valentines has a mom that has become a good friend of mine. I guess her and I had more in common than I thought.

    D's homemades were stellar, just by themself. They were glued with any and everything I found in the closet. And he LOVED making them.. They were dorky, and girly, and kinda messy. And we passed them out by themselves, with love. In return we got bags of chocolates, candies, heart pencils, bracelets, and erasers.....

    After coming home, I thought I had totally missed the boat on this one. But did I?

    I love where 'we' are at. We're here, but not. We act in a way that someone else has called us to. That's why we're here.... and I love it.. I don't think I'd be 'here' without having been 'there'. Day by Day just remembering and learning to have my heart in two places.

    :>

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  3. jennyFebruary 14, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    I soooo get you. I soooo get you. Thank you.... thank you for this.

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  4. RachelFebruary 14, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    I totally get it! When I came home from Cambodia and saw how all those children lived on the streets and aged out of orphanages at way to young of an age. When I saw families so happy and fulfilled in there little huts it made me feel like "why do I need this". I remember thinking that our EXTREMELY SMAll basement apartment that we had at the time felt like a mansion when I got back. I wished everyone could have seen what I saw. It is so easy to forget and get comfortable with our day to day life and forget how so many others are living around the world. So thankful for you sharing about your trip because I don't ever want to forget either.

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  5. Shelby and BevFebruary 14, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    oh, i hear you loud and clear...
    prayers for you as you get back in to your life, and get perspective...
    xo

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  6. MarciFebruary 14, 2011 at 5:28 PM

    It is difficult and actually I am glad that it is.
    We had an "un-valentine" today, and are enjoying making a nicer dinner for the whole fam tonight, but I said no the the request for my 3 yo to "sign his name" to 20 awana valentines for tomorrow. How can a 3 yo boy sign his name... mine sure can't, so we may just skip it out of principle :-D
    A friend of mine does a really sweet thing and her 6 kiddos "draw" a secret valentine to give gifts of love, serviced and a gift to all last week. She says it is a good way to focus on how they love others.
    Hugs and thanks for being honest.

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  7. We Are FamilyFebruary 14, 2011 at 5:30 PM

    Can I just say..."I UNDERSTAND"

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  8. Jade @ Tasting GraceFebruary 14, 2011 at 5:34 PM

    I totally understand what you mean. It reminds me of the time my hubby got back from a seven month trip around the world. After 2 months in Thailand, 2 months in India and a month in Africa (Kenya, Tanzania, Zanzibar & S. Africa), the first time he stepped in a western style mall, he had a panic attack. It took him a long while to get over our conspicuous consumption.

    We've been living in Thailand for almost 3 months now, and I'm still struck by how differently I feel about "need". We still celebrated V.Day, but by baking cookies at home, and making panini sandwiches and having a picnic dinner at a viewpoint in our neighborhood. I don't say this to say it's "better", because who is really going to judge how people choose to express love? But I just know in the States, we probably would have bought some gifts, or at the very least gone to a fancier restaurant than usual. So it is *different*.

    And the funny thing is, right after seeing your post in my reader, the very next post was asking why we don't spread the love out more. Do what we do on Valentine's Day, but more often. As if the consumption on VDay wasn't enough, we should do this *more*. Our impetus in the U.S. is always for more. But I look at the kids here in Thailand, the family structures and communication of love here, and I see depth so clearly without a whole lot of fuss and show. We can show more love, more days, more often, but we can also think *differently* about how we "need" to show it.

    Ok. Sorry for the long, rambling comment! It's just a topic that I think a lot about and have been wanting to post on for a long time! Happy Valentine's Day to you and your family!

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  9. AnonymousFebruary 14, 2011 at 7:39 PM

    I am praying for you because I know that is so hard.

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  10. Gillian GauthierFebruary 14, 2011 at 9:33 PM

    Loelyn, I know what you mean. And I hesitate to say it, but I do think I know how you feel after I was there. In Africa. How can we be living our lives so blissfully unaware? My heart hurts every day for them. I think we are here to be Jesus with skin in to them and others. It's fantastically wonderful and overwhelming all at the same time.
    {{hugs}}

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  11. KimFebruary 14, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    I can only imagine how much your heart hurts right now and how you feel torn between two very different "worlds". Thinking of you.

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  12. nicFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:10 PM

    yes. praying and hoping with you, love.

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  13. HeatherFebruary 15, 2011 at 10:38 AM

    praying for you as you decompress & process.

    Much love.

    thank you.

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  14. KristinFebruary 15, 2011 at 11:58 AM

    I completely understand, and in the same strange way know exactly what you are saying. I feel like the need to get rid of more and more stuff in our lives and just go follow Him! Praying

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  15. AnonymousFebruary 15, 2011 at 1:29 PM

    Love, your post from a couple of weeks ago mentioning that He wants us to be content - not necessarily happy keeps echoing through my head. I'm struggling with what that looks like. Thank you for making me think about the important.

    Tara

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  16. emily andersonFebruary 15, 2011 at 1:48 PM

    praying for you as you go through this process, friend.

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  17. PaigeFebruary 15, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    i completely understand. i am gloriously broken from all i have seen and heard in peru. hopefully i will never be the same again. in your feelings you are not alone. remember that!

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  18. RachelFebruary 15, 2011 at 9:12 PM

    I get it. Hugs.

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  19. Lindsey EnsleyFebruary 16, 2011 at 1:54 PM

    Have you ever read "The Poisonwood Bible"? Your post reminded me of how I felt during/after reading it. Why do we need all these things?

    Keep praying, you'll find your answers.

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