washing.
if i were to free-hand type right now, this is what would come out:
these pictures? they're me right now.
i wonder what you would put as a picture of you right now?
i wonder about more than that about you, but i just can't
find the time to make it your way & find out for myself.
[dislike.]
so, i mark almost 1000 'as read' and move along with my wondering.
i'm having really sad feelings mixed in with my excitement about
my upcoming trip to Africa this time. i think that the sad is that my
heart knows what my eyes will see now. i've seen it before
and i know i will see it even closer & more heart-piercing this time.
i pray to see it. i want to.
i want this broken heart.
i want this broken heart.
but, then sometimes...
i don't. for a split second i don't want this. i don't want to
feel it this deeply. to ache and ache for them. to want to do more.
to have to wait on Him.
to have my heart all twisty where i find myself just holding my
breath at the thought of it all.
i don't want it. i want my big ol' house and a
perfectly organized closet. i want my dinners out and
something--anything--
other than a casual dress, leggings and a cardi.
i want to sit and turn on the TV and not constantly
think about what i could be doing for them instead.
i want my regular nail appointments.
heck, add in a facial and massage, PLEASE.
i don't want the thought of possibly being called away
or maybe called to something so much bigger than me.
but, those thoughts are so fleeting.
sure, my heart is broken.
sure, this isn't what most would consider the easy route.
disobeying our callings though....well, i don't want to take that route.
so, we're here.
in the [sometimes] hard
and the [always] fine-do-as-You-will.
it is the only way to joy and hope.
so, i asked to be washed clean.
again.
filled with prayers that the tiny efforts that He is using me in are
for my good, His glory & will somehow impact eternity.
[i bet leggings and cardis are totally in every day there.]
Thank You...for the reminder that what Hes called us to is more important then our comfort, it was the perfect time for'eme to read this post :)
ReplyDeleteI am excited to hear more about your upcoming trip to Africa. . .
ReplyDelete"This is strength; this is peace; to feel, in entering on every day, that all its duties and trials have been committed to the Lord Jesus — that, come what may, He will use us for His own glory and our real good!"
ReplyDelete[Paton]
I am praying, and am so glad you are willing to go, you are not okay with being numbed down like everyone else. You WILL see and you WILL feel but you also know that everything you see there is in HIS hands and HIS control and you are the work of His hand... you will come back to prop up our eyelids... and wake us up. You've done that for me so much already.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Steph
Disobedience is never the easy route, even when it looks that way. It is SO hard to know that though, sometimes. My obedience looks different than yours, but the challenge is similar I know.
ReplyDeleteme too. wash me clean, God.
ReplyDeletethank you, friends. honestly, you don't know how much each of your comments here was used here for me...to encourage, validate & love me.
ReplyDeletethank you.
What a great post, Love. How right on!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I think so many people suffer from depression because most people have always tried for the easy road. The hard road might be hard. But, it is satisfying. It is fulfilling. You know. That is where the real joy is at! Thanks so much for the inspiration!
Oh, Love. <3 My heart is so full - I am overflowing with emotions that I get to experience part of this Uganda journey with you. I know that my heart will break with yours...it already has, and I haven't been in person.
ReplyDeleteJim Elliot's quote has been on my mind these days -
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
And, I think you rock cardis and leggings.
oh i get this. deeply.
ReplyDeletemy husband and i are preparing for a return to africa as well. this one holds deeper meaning than our last simply because our heart beat has led us here and just like you, we anticipate the breaking but cringe from it as well.
praying for you, sweet friend.
Beautifully articulate and honest. Thank you so much. Be encouraged that even in your moments of doubt and fear you are encouraging us all so much. I cannot wait to read about the miracles that happen in Africa and beyond because of Africa.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post/goal. I too want to be totally clean! Destiny
ReplyDeleteum...how did you get inside my head?
ReplyDeleteI was going to post about something just like this today. I have had no time though =). I know exactly how you feel. It is like there is so much God calls us to do that needs to be done. Having these three sweet new treasures makes me think of all the others that don't have a family. I have been haunted lately not feeling like I am doing enough yet feeling like I don't have enough time in my day. I can't stop thinking though about all the need I saw when I was in Cambodia. We are so previlaged yet go on with our lives as if we don't care. I am so blessed to know someone with your heart and I can't wait to hear all about your trip. Always praying for you.
ReplyDelete"Disobeying our callings though....well, I don't want to take that route." Oh, how this speaks to my heart. I find myself constantly terrified -TERRIFIED- of what God will ask my husband and I to do. Yet somehow mixed in with that fear is a soothing reassurance that once I crash through all of it, I'll find myself in His hands... as I always was. Keep on, Love; you're in His hands.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, praying for your little ones, here and there. God has and will use you in such a mighty way. You are such a blessing! Excited to see and hear about what He has in store. He is mighty to save. With love, Krystle K.
ReplyDeleteHi Love,
ReplyDeleteI need to share something with you. Please excuse the lack of details, as I am at work, and unable to remember. Couple of weeks ago, I happened upon a sweet girl, Faith Elizabeth, selling handmade dolls (on Etsy)` All profits (and the dolls if chosen) are going for an orphanage in Africa. The girls work, and her strenght, and her desire and good heart, they made me order 5 dolls! I don't know if my heart is calling out to adoption, but I know my heart is seeing the need for help, and thanks to God, I can at times provide financial help where needed. So I have chosen to keep the 5 dolls I ordered, as I wanted to teach my 16 month old daughter about the beauty of help, and the beauty of people. These dolls are all different colors, from purple to pink to green. Each time I look at them, I think of Clayton, and I think of all his borhters and sisters in an orphanage right now.
I found your blog couple months ago, and you have inspired me beyond words. I know it is God who guides us and opens our hearts, yet I truly feel for me, he's doing it through you. I know you're going to Africa soon. I'll be praying for you and your family. I'll pray for peace for you. For internal peace and understanding. Thank you so much for being such an inspiration and a role model.
Ah, that struggle is in my heart too. Daily.
ReplyDeleteI so desperately want to focus on what matters most, but my selfish heart so often gets in the way.
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
Praying for you and those that you will touch with this next visit to Africa. Not just with your hands, but with your heart, your words, your love.
ReplyDelete