oh, the pushing & pulling of motherhood.
funny to write to myself yesterday, forgiving my preceived failures and then wake up
today completely overwhelmed and feeling like anything except a success.
we do family. we do community. we do school.
we literally don't do anything else and [this week] i still feel like it is too much.
we are just getting into the swing of school, as it is only
their 3rd week. we value education. we greatly value teachers. i guess what is changing
[over the last two years] is the value of conventional education to me. to our family.
if i would have been asked 5 years ago if our children had to go to college, i would have
thought that a silly question. of course they do.
and while we will fully support undergraduate degree work and beyond,
we will do it because that is their calling. their gift. their journey. their good for His glory.
i just pray for them to be in the center of God's will for their lives.
so, i'm learning to be much more flexible with my answer.
[back to the being overwhelmed this morning.]
the early morning. the lunch. the forms and signatures. the fundrasisers.
the library books. the show and tell. the dress code. the gone all day.
the come home exhausted. the tests. the homework. the reading. the homework.
the longing to just make dinner together and talk about life. to talk about things they are interested
in. the sitting down to dinner together without having to feel like we're squeezing it in between
reading homework and hurry to bed for school in the morning.
i want to sit on the floor with a pile of books and explore.
i want summer back. where the kids weren't in school,
but they were.
here. in our home.
i don't know what will come of this. my mind wrestles with the fact
that we really do love their school a lot. there are so many positives and it
is a great privilege they have to be there. i wonder if i'm being selfish.
short-changing them. all i know for sure is that we can never get this
time back. we get one chance at this and my heart is unsettled.
i've been in a funk since school started and THIS is why. i LOVE time with my kids. and not just time, but REAL time..intentional time. i thrive on it..they thrive on it. but since school started, it just feels like we're surviving. there isn't time to BE and LISTEN and ASK and LEARN...we just have to do and do and go and go and get to bed to start all over again.
ReplyDeletestill working through it all...wondering if i'm being selfish? or wise? what do we change? do i embrace? or fight it?
this is hard.
thanks for not making me feel alone in it!
I don't want to get too "deep" into this but... I wonder if there isn't a MAJOR shift coming at some point in our society from being kind of obsessed with success and money and SO much (especially expensive) education back to more "skillful" work and a movement to going back to working for ourselves more.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure and it could be a LONG way off, but I kind of feel it coming.
And I hear you on this. All the "busy" is hard on us sometimes too...
As a (former) teacher, I have a lot of opinions on this sort of thing. One of those is that no two home schooling scenarios are the same, so it is impossible to judge someone’s decision to home school until you see their plan in action.
ReplyDeleteWhat I will say for now is this: You want to be with your kids so badly you are willing to consider the challenge of planning and executing their entire education. That is an amazing thing and your kids are impacted in so many ways by how much you love them and how dedicated you are to their lives. Many kids are in school because no one wants them home—while I was teaching I had multiple parents fight suspensions not because they thought their kid was innocent of what he/she did, but specifically because they did not want to deal with having the kid home. Consider the impact going to school with your kids has on those other kids. Consider all the love and attention your kids have absorbed and continue to absorb and how they use that to interact with kids who may not have the same situation. Even if they aren’t home with you, your influences are being emanated onward.
Lovelyn, my biggest is still 2 years away from school, and my heart wrestles with the same thing. I LOVE having him here with me! gone for 7 hours? omgosh my heart cannot even think about it right now.
ReplyDeletehowever, my mom would FREAK OUT at the idea of homeschooling. There's AWESOME co-ops around us, though, that kind of "combine" homeschooling and private school. Are there things like that in the Valpo area?
I'll pray for you as I pray for me. We just had an AWFUL experience with Grant's 3 weeks of preschool (we've pulled him out), and it did not help my turmoil about school. I immediately went to Borders and bought preschool curriculum books...and the thought of homeschooling just "fits" with my attachment parenting self.
I'm getting wordy. anyway...hope your heart is settled sometime soon.
I have had a pull on my heart the last few weeks as well. I work full time so homeschool is out. My son will not start Kinder until next year, but I still feel the pressure with preschool. He is tired, angry, sad when we have to rush out the door in the morning. He loves to learn, oh how he loves it. I worry that he is getting shortsided on the locaiton.....I just wish there were another way.
ReplyDeleteI hope your heart will feel more settled in the coming weeks, wherever that will take you and those adorable littles....
I was homeschooled starting in 4th grade all through high school. My middle sister was homeschooled, went back to school for half a semester in 8th grade, and then continued through high school. My youngest sister was briefly homeschooled, but was better suited to a public school environment (she has learning disabilities) and did her entire school career in public schools.
ReplyDeleteI know lots of other kids who are/were homeschooled (including my BFF, Anna!) and what I've learned from all of it is that no one learns the same way, and nothing can be one size fits all. Many of the families I know had different school experiences for each child. Some were exclusively homeschooled, others not.
My plan when I have kids is to start them at home--and then give them options. If they want to go to school--great; if they want to stay home--great; I just don't want to pigeon hole any of my kids into the wrong thing. There are pros and cons to both!
Plus, there are just SO MANY options when it comes to school outside the home, like Montessori or public or private or religious or not, on and on.
Can I just say: DITTO TO JULIE. She's so smart.
ReplyDeleteone year at a time, nothing is forever...that's been my theme each year with deciding what is best for each of our's. so far, three years of homeschooling it has been, and it couldn't be better! i never try to predict what may happen by next fall, only focusing on this year and putting my energy into what is needed for each of them right now. i'll be praying that you would be at peace with whatever may come in the months ahead.
ReplyDeletePraying right now that the Lord guides your heart clearly and that you and your husband are on the same page.
ReplyDeleteI trust He will make it clear:)!
Could not agree more! With you on it all. Torn, torn, torn - trying to listen to the Holy Spirit.
ReplyDeleteme too, me too!
ReplyDeleteI've been torn also all these years. My kids have been in public school. Now we are leaving for the mission field soon and so I am homeschooling 6 & 9 th graders. Some days I think why did I want this? And most others I love it so much. I love having my kids with me all the time. So does my 3 yr old. Today we took our first homeschool trip to the childrens museum and it was awesome. The biggest downfall is that you never get a break. But I love that my kids are learning the bible and scripture in their curriculum. The kids love it too.
ReplyDeleteI'm there right next to you. I am just waiting for Jeff to say YES take them out of school. Like, seriously I am on the edge of my seat about this. I think it's no coincidence we feel similarly at the same time (and that we have had pleasant experiences so far in school). Let's talk soon. I'm excited.
ReplyDeleteSteph
Love, can I just say I felt the same way about our girls ... and then ...!! .. the Lord led us to homeschooling this fall! I am absolutely so thrilled with this change!! It's amazing to school the 6 year old with the 4 yr old and the 2 year old and I cannot wait to do it with a baby wrapped to my chest at the same time! God will show you the way ... but if you choose homeschooling, just know there are a HUGE number of amazing resources out there - it's AMAZING and awesome!
ReplyDeleteAs a former public school teacher and a husband who is still teaching in the public school system we had never considered homeschooling an option. Then last year it started really pressing on my heart and I knew that it could only be from the Lord. We are still torn and still praying about what God wants us to do. I just don't like that they spend the majority of their day under the care of others. I want them with me, I want more time to teach them the bible, more time for field trips and exploring together. It's so funny you mentioned the higher education dreams....a few years ago I felt college was the only option. This has changed so much...I desire only for them to follow him. If that means college then great. If it means the mission field then wonderful. We will support them no matter what but I want to take the emphasis off the "american dream" and have them dream of living a life only for the one that matters. Okay...I'm rambling! Thank you for the thought provoking posts!
ReplyDeleteI'm facing the same inner dilemma with my 6 year old. This parenting thing is tough. You'll do what's right for your children. I know it.
ReplyDeletebattle this very thing every day. wish I had an answer for you but it is ALWAYS on the tip of my mind.
ReplyDeleteI feel sad when parents homeschool just because they don't want their kids gone. I mean, the truth is, I would NEVER let my baby leave me if I didn't have to. But I do. And he LOVES school and making friends and learning... home school works for some people but to tell you the truth, I see a lot of homeschooled kids that I feel SORRY for. They don't seem like they fit in. And you know, no one wants to be someone that doesn't fit in.
ReplyDeleteI went through this very same thing. After my daughter attending 2 different schools that she really liked, and 2 tear filled weeks sending my son, they have both been home with me since last January. We all love home school, I ask them from time to time if they want to go back and they both emphatically say "no!"
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure that little kids are away to be from mom so young. And just because a kid LOVES it,still doesn't mean its best for them. Maybe it is, I'm just not so sure.
So far as socialization - my daughter was shy and fearful when she was in school and since coming home she has turned into a social butterfly. I think she just needed the safety of home to spread her wings.
it's working for our family, and like you said, you cannot get these days back.
p.s. found your blog recently and i am in love. We just brought our little boy home from Thailand a month ago. Already ready to adopt again : )
xo
Emily
I am sturggling w/ something similiar but so different. My kids are in a wonderful Christian school that we adore, but I have to work full time in order to send them. I get the overwhelming feeling and have to consider public school to be at home more with them. Thanks (again) for your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a homeschool mom :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though...listen to His quiet voice; He'll lead you in the right way for your family.
And if you have any questions about the "how to" down the road...I'd love to chat with ya.
xoxoxoxo
I know this is from 2 weeks ago, so in blog world it is 100 years ago, but I totally hear your heart.
ReplyDeleteThis is something we have wrestled with for a while. I taught in a great public school and assumed my kids (and myself) would go back one day. God has been shifting my heart and my husband's heart significantly.
There are people in our lives doing the homeschool thing ahead of us (huge help). There are people in our lives in the exact same place (same age kids (all down the line), same convictions, same innate desire to be a family full time) who are walking this road together.
We are trying out a 4K program with 2 other families. We plan together, we take field trips together and we do lessons together once a week with the kids grouped by age.
One of the families just added 2 children in foster care to their home and she has been able to mold her schooling around their hectic schedule. She says it would honestly be more trouble to have to take the eldest to preschool than to teach him amongst the other kids. So she is making it work.
So far I am loving it. I am loving having a plan for what we are going to do each day. I love that the plan is flexible. I am learning to be much more disciplined in our time. We are still working out the kinks. It has been great to start slowly and see what works for us. We are taking in day by day.
We are opened to sending them to school one day if we feel we are being led that way. We are opened to sending some of them to school if it suits their learning better. We want to be flexible and responsive to growing needs of our children.
{Side note: Typing this comment while all 3 of my boys play outside, together, in the midday warmth. Priceless.}