seeing in color.
one afternoon while our family was at the splash pad pool on vacation, i sat with bianca
and matt sat with clay. they weren't entirely sure about the water yet and mostly held onto us as
they got used to it. a little boy of about 7 years old continually kept coming up to clay.
the kids and water structures were splashing, but after the 3rd time, i made out what the little
boy had been saying every time. i have to be transparent and tell you that i was not in the
right frame of mind to handle it and angrily said to matt as the little boy walked away,
"WHY the world is saying 'ew, ew, EW!' to clay?!"
my heart already knew.
being a multi-racial family opens up much conversation about our physical differences.
i have found that most people that ask questions are genuinely interested in adoption.
i'm grateful for the opportunity to share what a blessing it has been in our lives.
but.
my blood boiled a little as the little boy came back a 4th time and disgustedly said,
"EWWWWW! WHY is he so dirty? HIS SKIN IS ALL DIRTY!!"
praise God that i just started praying and matt calmly said,
"buddy, his skin isn't dirty. God made his skin that color! isn't it beautiful?!"
i'm thankful i was so uncharacteristically unprepared at that very moment.
it gave matt a chance to speak up, as i'm usually the one holding clay in public and
chatting with people that have made conversation.
i couldn't have been prouder of him for Him.
cut to the next day.....
we were eating at a beachside restaurant where a man took song requests as he sang and
strummed his guitar. it was loud and fun. one of my favorite memories will be
anika requesting Sweet Caroline and us all "bum, bum, bum"-ing the song away.
eventually, kids began to get up from their table and come dance up front.
i let clay down from his high chair and he starting shaking his thang.
he headed straight for a little girl who was about 5 years old.
it was extremely obvious that she had probably never seen a black person before.
the child was trying to be calm, but honestly was TERRIFIED.
i got up from my seat and kneeled on the ground next to them.
"he looks a little different from you, doesn't he? it's okay....
this is clay and God made his skin a different color. neat, huh?!"
she softened as a talked a little more to her.
her parents sat in the back corner of the restaurant and had no idea any of this happened.
matt and i knew that having a multi-racial family would bring some of this.
God has called us to this and i am thankful.
i'm thankful for the beautiful parts of adoption and i'm thankful for the harder parts.
our lives aren't supposed to be easy.
my life isn't mine.
it is His.
and man, am i thankful that God knows what He's doing.
i'm beyond thankful for our son.
i will never know what it is like to be a young man who is black.
i do know what it is like to be called a "spic" and told that because my skin
is brown, they hated me and would find me in a dark alley someday.
[when i was a freshman in high school.]
i pray that clay can learn the same thing i did though.
that i am not defined my the color of my skin.
that my skin is beautiful.
that i am beautiful.
that i am His.
photo by Beth [i promise to buy boy sunglasses this week.]
here's what i don't want you to miss....
your children SEE the color of skin.
they do.
it sounds nice to say
"oh, i don't even see skin color."
but, think about it....
you don't see my skin color?
you don't see that my husband is white, i'm brown and our baby is black?
of course you do!
what we need to do is see it differently...
beautifully....
celebrate it...
talk to our kids about it without placing the world's stereotypes on it.
i'd really like to chat about this in the comments.
i want us to learn from each other.
please share.
do you celebrate color in your family?
do you have tips or books that you'd like to share?
have you never thought about it this way?
what will you chat with your kids tonight at dinner?
will you get a globe out and celebrate the different people of the world?
we do better when we know better.
let's help change things.
let's see beautifully in color.
I love this post. I see color, sometimes, other times I'm too wrapped up in conversation or something more interesting. I know others aren't as easily distracted. But I love this post because it's one of the things I am terrified of as G and I talk through what our family is gonna look like in 5, 10 years. How we're from a small midwestern town and going home will sometimes be hell if we forget that it is by God's grace that our family will come together, and there is nothing wrong with quietly standing up for that. That different means beautiful. That different is only different to us little people and that God made us all in his image.
ReplyDeleteLove these photos, love the words, love what God is teaching you and all of us through you!
i'll start with some kid's books we love:
ReplyDeleteWe're Different, We're the Same by Kates & Mathieu
[ellie asks to read this one every.single.night.]
Whoever You Are by Mem Fox
oh, hi kalee! yes! different is only different to US. it's mind-boggling to think how God sees and loves us, isn't it?
ReplyDeletei have you in my prayer journal. =)
I think (hope and pray) that I've done a pretty good job in this department with my kids. I always took opportunities, particularly when they were really little to point out people of color, on TV for example, and ask things like, "Isn't her skin beautiful? God made so many beautiful colors of skin, didn't He? What color is your skin?" We'd compare the differences in our shades of "white". My oldest decided that she was pinkish and I was light brown. She didn't even realize that families' biological children will be the same color, more or less, as the parents. When I was pregnant, she had her heart set on a brown brother. She got a white sister.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that post! My husband and I are hoping to adopt more children and I really hope one of them is another color. I love hearing your perspective. And your husband's response literally brought me to tears. Thanks for being such a great example and advocate for multi-cultural adoption!
ReplyDeleteLove, love, LOVE this a million times over.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in Toronto at a school where being white-skinned meant you were the minority. I had best friends from India, Africa, Indonesia and the Caribbean.
And for a long time, I had no idea that racism existed.
My husband and I moved 4 years ago to a city where white skin is in the majority. My oldest is a little over 2.5 years and the subject of skin colour hasn't come up yet. But when it does, I take comfort that one of his best friends is half asian/half white. My brother in law is Korean. And we do desire to adopt one day and maybe even move to Africa in the near future (as in, next year!). So I hope and pray that we are able to teach our children exactly what you said, that we are not defined by the colour of our skin and that seeing in colour really is BEAUTIFUL.
Thank you for posting this and I think your family is amazing and beautiful.
Yikes. Didn't even mention how much I loved the post! I love the post!
ReplyDeleteAlso, The Skin You Live In is a great book. I flipped through it at the library and I hope to purchase it some day. It's beautiful and I love the illustrations.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this... you and your husband seem to be managing quite well.
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time, I was in love with an African American man. I'm white. We talked seriously about getting married and having babies. I remember researching online about multi-racial families and specifically how to care for African-American hair... I didn't want to be the white mama who had the kids with the funny looking hair because I didn't know how to style it properly. :)
But... we didn't marry. Instead, my two kiddos are white as snow. And most of their days they are surrounded by other white children (at daycare, with family). I do my best to expose them to various cultures and talk about how people have different skin color. I encourage them to play with all children at the playground, swimming pool, etc. They see me interacting and talking and laughing with adults of all colors and ethnicities... I'm leading by example.
We look at the globe. We look things up online. My four-year old asks me what time it is in China, Australia, etc.
There's a global market in town, I was thinking about taking him there with a map and ask different people where they are from and to show us on the map - that would be cool. :)
Thanks again for this post.
Oh, the part about what Matt said? TEARS.
ReplyDeleteOur kids were brought up in a multi-racial church, so we have never had a discussion with them. They also have friends in the neighborhood of all colors.
I do encourage them and never shame them if they ask honest and innocent questions like, why is Clay a different color than Bianca? They haven't really been adoption-aware before, so this is a great learning opportunity for them.
I only hope other parents encourage this type of loving acceptance and understanding instead of instilling what they might have been (wrongly) taught in the past from family, etc.
Also, I am so sorry that you were told those hurtful things when you were younger.
Steph
Oooh, I love the idea of going to the market and asking people which part of the world they come from! Great idea, Marketing Mama. When my boys are older I'm totally doing that!
ReplyDeleteI am sooo thankful that you posted this. This brings me to my question. I have a 4 year old little boy. We were out eating one night and he was telling us about his day. He preceded to discuss his teachers and he referred to them as "Black Jessica" and "White Jessica". Is this offensive, is this proper or ok...?? I really didn't know. I immediately told him we don't say that. Of course later when I was rethinking the convo I felt horrible because he was just honestly trying to process and describe his day. I was only worried about someone else hearing him as to not offend them. What are your thoughts?
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post, especially the part of "being color blind".
ReplyDeletePeople need to start to be accepting of the differences that are beautiful. I recently attend a graduate class were we discussed the "golden rule" - do on to others as you would want done on to you. I have lived my whole life trying the best to live by this rule, but was recently introduced to an even more important rule, the platinum rule. Do on to others as other would want done onto them.
Depending on different cultures I may have thought it was polite to shake hands, but in other cultures shaking hands isn't something that you should do. I now am doing my part to understand how different people WANT to be treated and understand that not everyone wants to be treated as I do.
God Bless you, Clay and all other families that understand the love of family is what makes you a family.
do proud of you and your husband with how you handled both situations! I think my blood would have been boiling too with the first statement from that little kid. We have had our precious african-american son home now for two weeks and he is precious and yet I know one day we will get those comments, those questions and he will get them too and so I LOVED reading this!
ReplyDeleteIndeed, his skin is beautiful. We're raising our daughter (6 mo old) in the city and think we'll be sending her to public school. I expect her to be exposed to many different colors, religions, family makeups, etc, but I have a lot of questions...do we let her experience these differences by observation or do we point them out? Anyway, beautiful post and you've given me some things to think about.
ReplyDeleteyou beautiful people.
ReplyDeletei have a good cry session about once a month and this one? it's doing wonders. i love your ideas and discussion. i'm so thankful you care.
lindsey--i think that it's important that he realize that the actual "black/white" words weren't necessarily bad, but maybe not the best way. i get it though that he is 4 and this was an obvious, easy way to differentiate them.
next time he says, "black [or white] jessica" how about if you said something like, "oh you mean jessica SMITH" or you mean "Miss _______?!"
i'm sure after a few times of you giving him a way to distinguish one from the other, he naturally will.
i appreciate this, because you're right, i don't want people to feel like they have to hush their kids if they say something about color. just help them embrace it gracefully and re-focus them if needed.
thanks, lindsey!
My kids were brought up in the same multiracial church as Steph's, so it was never a discussion we had to have. It's actually more ODD to us when we've gone to places and realized everyone looks like us. That makes me very uncomfortable! Like something is wrong here...where are all the colors? My girls have been good friends with kids of other races, and in fact the other day my youngest was at the neighbors house and I looked over and had to laugh. She was the only white one in the pool! I would never want to live or work or worship where everyone is like me. How boring is that?
ReplyDeletehi kate! i think it's probably a healthy balance of both. for a long time we've done like dina [4th comment] mentioned....complimented different skin colors/hair types/cultures on TV or books. pointing out how beautiful the differences are and how awesome God is to give us such beauty and variety.
ReplyDeletewe've also always had multi-cultural baby dolls and books in the house.
a lot of it will happen naturally if you're exposed to it. and i think some questions will come from that, too that we have to be careful not to accidentally shame them about. for example, i've heard a child ask about clay's skin and the mom say, "OH! we do NOT talk about that! i'm am SO sorry." sorry that he noticed my kid's awesome skin?! he's a kid. it's okay! let's talk positive about it instead of making them think it's a hush-hush negative thing.
thanks, kate!
oh, i have to respond to this!
ReplyDeletefirst of all i want to say that matt (and you) handled the 7-year old situation wonderfully. i can say that i wish i would have handled it that way but i don't know. it's really disturbing to me that a child of seven (not three!) would say that. and i know we can't blame the child, i know that but i think it would be so hard not to show how visibly annoyed i was by those comments. ugh.
so yesterday we went to court to attend an adoption for a good friend of mine (white) who adopted 2 siblings she has been fostering for the last couple of years (black)...when i was explaining the adoption to the kids, my 5-year old asked why she was adopting them, etc and then told me he thought the kids came out of her stomach.
later we were swimming and he brought it up again and he asked me if moms like me could have kids the color of the two that were just adopted (they have pretty dark skin) and i kind of explained that to him.
then he asked me very seriously what color our skin was supposed to be called then and i told him white. he looked at me funny and said "it's more pink than white, so that's kinda dumb" : ) and it kinda is.
the funny thing is, although skin color has been touched on briefly in our home i have been waiting for a really good "teachable moment" to discuss this with Wyatt but yesterday I realized he could care less. i think as parents, if we have the attitude that it's not a big deal (different races, skin color) then it's not to our children either.
we have friends of mixed races, different races, neighbors of a different race sand Wyatt had friends at preschool of different races so I guess it is normal to us and yes, i see color but do not define people by their skin color and i hope my children never do either. what a wonderful world that would be! : )
hugs to you Love!
At the first story I got happy tears--for your hubby to be able to take the reigns for you and handle the situation.......but by the second story where you did it on your own actually made me cry. Thank you for being REAL--and showing the rest of us what is to come. Because honestly, I wouldn't have had a clue how to handle this same situation when it arises with our little girl. Thank you thank you for giving me the first little prep. Your love emulates.
ReplyDeleteStill feeling chills....Kendra
Thank you so much for sharing! My husband and I are different ethnicities and I know in my heart that some day we will adopt as well. It's so good to hear that people are being real about the challenges that are out there and thinking productively about how to face them. Thank you for helping me prepare for when its my turn provide a learning experience for a little child who has never seen a family that will look like ours!
ReplyDeleteMy four year old little boy's best friend is an adopted little boy who is black and his mom is white. When they started playing my little boy's friend would always tell my boy to drink lot's of choclate milk so they would look the same. Then the next question was why is his mommy white and he is black? Why are we white and not black? There were lot's of questions. More questions than I thought four year old's would have. I actually did pull out a globe and we talked about all different people. We talked about all sorts of families. These two little boy's taught me a whole lot about myself and a whole lot about the world around me.
ReplyDeleteWe tell our kids that God made us all the same on the inside. It doesn't matter what we look like on the outside. We have to take care of and respect our bodies (ie, eat well, excercise, etc). But, our insides are all the same. Check out this cute site I found that displays the same sentiment...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.etsy.com/listing/44498520/creating-awareness-mark-twain-quote
Interesting post, thanks for sharing your experience. I am with Kalee in her comment "I see color, sometimes, other times I'm too wrapped up in conversation or something more interesting."
ReplyDeleteA while back I wrote on my blog about an experience I had with my son about race and your post inspired me to share it. I titled it Discussing tolerance & differences in biracial families and I welcome comments.
A MUST read book for ALL people By Dr. Marguerite A. Wright: I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: A Guide to Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World. I posted a section of the book on my blog called"How children see and learn about color, race and culture" I still use that book as a guide to remember where kids are developmentally when it comes to understanding race and culture.
I write children's books, Bur Bur and Friends, that use multicultural characters to teach kids about sports and outdoors. We created this to celebrate the fact that we all learn, interact and live differently and that is a good thing. Thanks for sharing your post.
I am going to admit that sometimes I notice color and it isn't always in a good way. There is no excuse for that. Ian on the other hand seems to love all equally, one of his favorite people in the world is different on the outside he doesn't notice. I am glad for that, I am amazed at the comments Gabe gets on facebook when he post pictures of him and Ian. As the daughter of a public servant with numerous other family members in the same field, I want to try to break the cycle I was raised in.
ReplyDeleteoh, my heart, love! my heart! i am literally clutching it.
ReplyDeletemy kids are 2 and 3, are around people of different colors quite a bit, and haven't really said much about it so far.
once, though, ellie (3) and i were checking out at a store and our young cashier was black. she said, "mommy, is that tracie?" tracie is a friend of mine who's black. i said, knowing why she said that, "no, baby. that's not tracie." i read the cashier's name tag aloud and told ellie to share her name too. ellie told her and said, "she looks like tracie, though. she's black."
i just nodded and said, "yes, she is, baby. cool, huh?" and smiled at the cashier. she smiled back.
we also pray for orphans around the world and use a photo that my father-in-law sent me of a little girl orphan in haiti. the little girl is black, and ellie never really mentions it. she just prays that she would be protected and find a mommy and daddy soon.
i just try to make it normal, like having a different skin color isn't any different than having a different hair color or eye color. i'm sure as my kids get older there will be more conversations. i will be sure to use your book recommendations then. and the idea of looking at a globe.
i pray that as the children we have now grow, we will be adding at least one other child of a different color to our family so it will always be normal, right and comfortable to be surrounded by color at our closest.
i have to share that one of my most beautiful visions, one i get over and over, while in praise and worship is of heaven and being surrounded by people from the nations of the world, worshiping together. hands and voices raised, colors a masterpiece of a rainbow. oh, i weep at the thought. what a beautiful day that will be.
clay -- you are the most beautiful color i've ever seen, son. you are literally brushed by the fingers of the King of the universe. one of His best works to be sure.
Tears. This is beautiful. I am so proud of you and Matt for handling it all so gracefully.
ReplyDeleteOnce shortly after you brought Clay home, Luke asked why his skin was white and Clay's skin was black. I told him that we were all made in different colors, just like how he has brown eyes and his daddy has blue eyes. He said, Okay! and has never mentioned it or seemed to notice again. I hope and pray that he carries with him all of his life that someone with darker skin than him is no different than someone with lighter eyes.
This is beautiful...your husband handled the situation beautifully (but I'm sure you were wondering where that kid's parents were). We were at the pool the other day and two beautifully black girls came in with their stark white parents...yes, there was a difference...yes, it was obvious. What was also obvious though was that these girls were gorgeous and happy...that was meant to be celebrated and so I said so to the parents. They were distracted (as parents of twins often are...speaking from experience), but I hope it made them happy. We live in a very white bread town, so the addition of these two girls is amazing...
ReplyDeletewow! I'm so glad that Matt was able to speak for you and not let Mama Bear out! And then the next day you were able to sweetly and lovingly handle it! Your family really is gorgeous: outside and IN!
ReplyDeleteThis post is so beautiful. I adore the words Matt used to handle the situation.
ReplyDeleteTeaching in a small (and sometimes small-minded) community, I am pleasantly surprised by the reactions of my students to racism. While, there are still moments when I am floored by what comments come out of their little mouths, which is truly a direct result of someone in their life, there are more moments when I am encouraged. More often than not, when discussing racism and people treating others unfairly, most of my students truly don't understand it. They can't imagine why others would treat others differently because of the color of their skin. I am always so excited for my students to not "get it". It doesn't make sense to them, and I love seeing that. There is sincere confusion in their eyes, and it is beautiful.
Nurtureshock has an entire chapter dedicated to dealing with race and children. Loved it! My boys attend a multi-cultural and multi-racial school so we have lots of talks about brown skin, black skin, pink skin (not my kids getting sunburns, ha ha!).
ReplyDeleteMy college boyfriend was Korean and I experienced quite a bit of racism, even in LA. I had no idea that it is "acceptable" (how it was explained to me, not my words) for asian girls to date white guys, but asian guys dating white girls is unacceptable. Very stunned at a lot of things that happened during that time, made me think a lot about talking about stuff with my kids.
What a beautiful post! I have been reading your blog for a while now and it always touches my heart!
ReplyDeleteI am a first grade teacher turned stay at home mom (just 1 month ago!!!) and there are a couple of books that celebrate skin color, hair, eyes, and diversity that I think your family would love. The first is The Colors of Us. It is written by Karen Katz. She does a beautiful job at pointing out all the beautiful shades of skin that can be found in our world. The other book is Shades of Black. I am not sure of the author but I know you can find it at Barnes and Noble or Amazon.
Again, what a wonderful post to make us all stop and think!
Jodi
i love this post...and i love matt's response. although we are adopting internationally, this is not something we'll have to deal with as we are of korean heritage and we are adopting from south korea. but, at the same time, i don't want to hide the fact that we have built our family through international adoption. i'm sure our little guy will get lots of comments, just as i did growing up, because he is asian, so we will have to deal with that. most times, when i am met with racial comments, my blood boils, but i hope to be able to use those moments to lovingly educate others just like you did.
ReplyDeleteThis post was lovely. I believe your husband surely had God's hand on his shoulder holding him down and whispering calming words in his ear, because WOW. Unfortunately color will always be a part of your life, but with the grace and dignity your family has shown I know you will continue to journey on with the LOVE need to over come these moments.
ReplyDeleteI have shared with a friend who hopefully soon will taking a similar life path with her family. I know she will enjoy.
xoxo
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post. My husband and I don't have children yet, but we plan to tell them about all the people of the world. We hope to have a multiracial/multinational family one day and can only hope that dream comes true.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger I always had the thought of "If you are going to live in the USA, you need to speak English"-(I'm from Texas), man oh man was that changed. My husband and I moved to Japan for a few years and they embrace English so much. Not only are the people helpful but all the road signs are mostly in English, etc. It was such a wake up call. Especially being in a nation that does not have an "official spoken language", I want to embrace the fact that we can learn from others and be gracious. Not only can we love, learn, and appreciate the difference in our skin tones, but also our different traditions, ways of thinking, languages, etc.
I can't say that I have or never will see color, but I only hope that God can be gracious with me and show me the things I need to see. Honestly, whenever I read your story Love, I was absolutely suprised that another child had never seen a different colored child before, not even on tv. I did not know that could even be a possibility. I think it's awesome the way it was handled, and I will take away a much needed lesson for the future of our family :)
I'll leave you with a story: My niece watches a cartoon that has a little black boy *note I say black because I've never seen the cartoon and I have no idea what race or what his name is*. She asked her mom how come she didn't have a "black person". Her mom responded "Well I guess we really don't have any black people in our lives right now, but we do have friends that are different colors" Her mom explained to her that the little boy was darker because God had made his skin a different color than ours, but that makes us no different. Later on that evening they were out to eat and there was a black lady sitting behind them in a booth. My niece could not stop standing up on the booth and peeking over and staring. She was so excited that she had actually seen a black person in real life. The lady finally leaned over and said "Do you like that" and pointed to her skin. Mind you, she did not do this in a rude way, just a way to talk to our niece who had been staring at her all night. My niece rubs her hand on her skin and says "It's beautiful!".
I love that story because my niece is only 3 and she has no knowledge of what racial discremination is, and she answered so honestly.
What a beautiful and touching post. Our family is not multiracial, but we are multireligion and with that always brings questions from our predominantly christian town.
ReplyDeleteOur children have always been raised to appreciate people of all colors and we strive to bring them into situations where they can interact and see that while we are not all the same color, we are all the same.
I LOVED this post! We have a mixed race family too. We've been doing foster-care with our sons and are in the process of adopting them. It always amazes me the people that stop and stare at us, especially when one of our boys says Mommy or Daddy.
ReplyDeleteI love how well you guys handled those kids and what a wonderful opportunity for them to learn about God!
Coming from an inter-racial family (grandfather-latino, mother - NativeAm/cauc) with a Korean-born son, and one more on the way from Africa...we get noticed. and, not always in a good way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the wonderful words...sometimes, those are great reminders of gentle (godly) ways to respond to mis/uninformed people.
(I need all the help I can get!)
Books we read regularly that feature multicultural kids include
Whoever you are, Whereever you are (at Target for like $4). Cute rhymes, but the gist is that even tho we're all different, our hears are just the same
Gods Dream by Rev Desmond Tutu. I like that it has several races of kids playing together.
There's a book called All Kinds of Children, with lots of descriptions of how people are different and this is good.
And another called All the Colors of the Earth, which features an inter-racial couple.
We have several others, but these are the ones we read most often.
We celebrate color in our family and in our house! We are so blessed because we realize that God made so many different kinds of people and so many nationalities! It is wonderful to celebrate each person! And I always tell my baby (who is 10, darn it, and not such a baby any more) that God made us all different and wonderful and IN HIS IMAGE!
ReplyDeleteOur neighborhood is awesome because we are surrounded by so many types of people. We celebrate diversity and learn from one another. I grew up not too far from this neighborhood and I never saw african americans or hispanic people, so I am VERY thankful that has changed in the last 20 years.
God bless us all!
We are a mixed race family too. I'm Caucasian, my husband is part Korean and our children are a beautiful and varied blend.
ReplyDeleteWe've talked about the differences in skin color since the kids were young. We often address it like Matt. "God is so creative, isn't he? Your skin is darker like Dad's, but your brother's is lighter like Mom. Cool, huh?" To me, it really shouldn't be any different than people having differing hair colors. What's the big deal? It only shows off God's imagination and points toward His glory.
I got here from a tweet by Raising Colorado blogger.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is white - very white as I am mostly Scandinavian. I say I am so white I am pink.
My daughter has been in daycare with children of every color since she was eight weeks old. And sometimes - it can be embarassing and a bit frightening - she says out loud she wishes she were brown or black...usually when she sees a skin color she likes better than her own.
I KNOW she is just a little girl of four years old - but I worry the other people will get offended. Because she first pronounces "That lady is black" and then - "I wish I was black."
Any thoughts what to say to guide my child? Or am I over sensitive?
My brother's wife is black and he is white and they have 7 children. The kids are all different in their coloring, but one of the boys has WHITE hair, blue eyes, and white skin. The others all have some pigment in their skin and brown hair and brown eyes. My sister-in-law gets all sorts of comments, which she handles with patience and grace. And, the interesting part is the only question my nephew asks (he is 8) is why he doesn't have brown hair. Not about his skin color, but his hair. Isn't that interesting? That's a common difference in people, yet the only thing he questions. Off the subject, your son will make a wonderful husband growing up with all of those beautiful girls you have. Interested in an arranged marriage? :)
ReplyDeleteokay first off, this post is amazing---thank you for it.
ReplyDeletesecondly, your little man is amazing---seriously cute!
thirdly, we are adopting a kiddo from ethiopia (my husband is chinese, i am a whitey)...so, it was good to read about what "may" happen once the little bean is in our family.
it's hard to believe that people don't know how to respond to different skin colors.
thanks for your encouraging post :)
When my oldest daughter was only 3 or 4, we were ordering food at McDonalds. She kept looking over at a little girl about her age. I didn't think much of it until she tugged on my shirt and said "Momma...look at that little chocolate girl!" She wasn't being rude or mean...just curious. I waited until we got to our seats and asked her "if that little girl is chocolate, then what are you?" She replied "Well, I'm vanilla!" She was so matter of fact about it and it was an innocent comment. I was proud of her for not thinking either one (chocolate or vanilla) was a big deal. I am curious, Love, would her comment have offended you if it were Clay she were talking about? I've always wondered if that little girls Mom had overheard her comment and hoped it didn't hurt her feelings!
ReplyDeleteWe've always taught our kids that skin color might look different on each person, but that we are all the same on the inside. We all have feelings and emotions and beautiful souls regardless of the color of our skin. I don't understand how someone can look at a person and only see color. I sure hope no one looks at my freckly skin with a cross between a burn & tan and judges me (I do enough of that about myself on my own, thank you)!
People need to teach their kids that it's a persons heart and soul that matters, not the color of their skin. It's obvious that you have a beautiful heart, Love, and I think your skin is BEAUTIFUL (honestly...this freckle-face is jealous)! And Clay? His heart is pure and his soul is blessed to have a Mama like you! His skin color is the perfect hue for him and he makes me smile every time I see him!
As far as the kid at the pool goes, you handled it a lot better than I would have. I don't know how to bite my tongue in those kinds of situations. Praying would have came to my mind only after it'd had gone down! And the little girl in the restaurant learned a lot from your little conversation with her! I'm proud of the way you handled it! You go, girl!
hello...so, here's my thoughts as we head into the ethiopian adoption process and are ourselves extremely pasty white. i agree with the talking about skin and color and being open about the subject...but ultimately want the message to be that we're all different colors but ultimately we're god's children and that's all that matters.
ReplyDeletefurther, my extended family who live in an extremely liberal (although very white) area, think it is racist of us to bring a child of color to the small farming town that we live in. i was always torn about this, because while there's a redneck here and there...the majority of the town is mexican by heritage, then there are hmong, after that there are portuquese and dutch and then there might be a sprinkling of some white and black people here and there to round it all out. it never occurred to me to think that because it's a conservative town, that it would be a racist town. in fact, i think a child of color would definitely stand out far less in this town than almost anywhere else in the country.
okay, another thought on race and why i feel a bit more prepared to handle it than i did ten years ago. i lived in the dominican republic while finishing my minor in spanish. while attending the university in santiago (inland, not beachy tourist part) and getting around everywhere on foot with my blond hair and pasty skin - it occurred to me after six months that i was starting to understand what it felt like to be a minority. because living in a predominantly black community, i stood out. that was the most important lesson to me...not that people were racist, but that i couldn't walk around with the same anonymity as everyone else. and further, with my skin came a list of values and stereotypes and prejudices (mostly harmless) that part and parcel with me. occasionally there was racial tension...and at one time i got beaten black and blue in anti-american frenzy at a carnival procession...but while i could have walked away embittered and angry and betrayed, i walked away stronger...i understood the value of looking at someone and assuming anything at all about them. i also learned the value of transparency...and that everyone has days where they want to blend into the scenery, don't always want their skin to be noted or remarked upon - or even to be stared at...
okay, i think i've run on...i could write on this subject for hours. but will stop. sorry for the verbosity. will check back in and see the discussion progress - this is interesting and important.
thanks, becky.
I love the way that love brings other things into light, and color, real color has a different meaning. i think that the color we see is beautiful when we see the color that God has created. Thanks for sharing these stories!
ReplyDeletei am behind here, but so encouraged with the discussion and thoughts here. SO ENCOURAGED.
ReplyDeletei'll pop back in tonight to look closer. keep talking...i LOVE it. we need this.
I just went on Amazon to find the link to "We're Different, We're the Same," only to find you had already mentioned it! Sesame Street may not be as popular as it once was, but my kids love this book. It's nice that it focuses on ALL of the ways we are different -- not just skin color, but eye shape, height, hair color. Skin color hopefully becomes just another way that we might be different from our friends or classmates.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I love your blog and find something in every post that I can relate to as a wife and mother. So thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Clay is just so amazingly precious and cute.
ReplyDeleteAre there really kids who have never seen someone of color? Seems impossible, but I suppose not.
My sister married a black man and they have had 3 kids together. In some ways I don't think my kids have even really noticed it, since they have always been in each other's lives. But then I know they do. We handle it pretty much the same way you discussed--that God made all of us different.
When kids notice someone of a different color they don't think anything of saying so, but it is just an identifier, the same as a red shirt or green hat, in my experience. It is we, as adults, that so often bring our experiences and thoughts to it and make it more than it is. Sometimes I think just saying "yeah, their skin is different" is all a kid is saying. But maybe I'm naive.
WE never really talked about color with our girls. With hubs being in the Navy they were used to people with all skin colors coming in and out of our house.
ReplyDeleteWhen Alexis was 4 she told my mom she wanted a Black Barbie that could ride horses, so my mom searched far and wide and got her an africian american barbie. She opened it and told her that it was nice but not exactly the black barbie she had in mind. Fast forward a few months and she went on a field trip with my friend's daycare to the Police Station on the Naval Base. They talked to the kids about stranger danger and what would you do if you were separated from your family. Alexis pipped up that she would find a police man or a navy guy (as she called them) and tell them that she was looking for her parents named Heather and Jeremy. He then asked Alexis if she could describe her parents, so that it would help the person that was helping to look for us (hypothetically, because you know she wasn't lost) She said I can tell you all about my mommy. She is tall, she has green eyes, she sometimes wears glasses and she has hair to her elbows. Oh yeah, and she's black." They were all a bit confused and my friend asked Alexis if she was black. Her eyes googled out of her head and she laughed and said of course she wasn't black she was yellow. When probed further, Alexis thought that the 'color' you were was based on the color of your hair "beacuse isn't that the first thing you notice about people anyways?"
I laughed so hard and was never prouder of my yellow baby.
Also, we live where we do because we want our girls to grow up with diversity. They go to the schools that they do because they will see all sorts of people and I am happy to say that they are very accepting of everyone. In fact one of Ariel's best friends is a girl with CP that is in a wheelchair and only talks with the aid of her computer. She gets frustrated when people stare at E. because she is no different than the rest of us mom, she just gets to ride around in a cool chair all of the time.
ReplyDeletei love you so much.
ReplyDeleteOh this post gave me chills. So hard, but so well handled. So inspiring. So beautiful. And the discussion that's going on in the comments - fabulous. Such hope.
ReplyDeleteLove you made me tear up with this.
ReplyDeleteI'm multi-ethnic, and I've grown up in a society that's generally tolerant of that except when it gets to politics and love. seriously. but i've felt uncomfortable being the odd one out when i lived in certain neighbourhoods. like my skin wasn't dark enough.
then went i went to the US to college. I had a professor tell me my depression was because I couldn't cut it in this academic environment (my IQ tests and SATs say different) - turns out I had SADS. Turn on a few lights and keep em on, I'm ok.
while at college I had some kids stop a party because "there was a black person in the room" this was at the jersey shore. my friends were all white and pretty affluent, very nice kids, but... well... there's no accounting for their friends.
it can be wild and confusing, but with love and the right guidance, you grow strong, and learn that these things don't in the end matter.
I love your husband's response. I wouldn't have thought of that. I'd have been too mad.
I guess it's right what they say - let go, and let God.
I just had to weigh in...we've had plenty of stares, questions and disgusted looks since we brought Tyler home 24 years ago and the six others from all over the world...24 years ago adoption was not nearly as accepted as it is now...that said, we have had far more pleasant {than negative} reactions to all the races in our family...I think people are genuinely intrigued by it all...
ReplyDeleteWe have said {on many occasions} that "we like to think that God's heart looks like our family - totally and completely colorblind..." ...But true confessios: one time someone was really being a pill and I was quite upset by their obvious meanness and I said, "we are so very thankful that our family is not all plain vanilla - that is sooo dreadfully boring"...{forgive me Lord, I couldn't help myself & besides they had it coming}.
I love your heart Miss Love...keep it up...the world needs to hear what you're sayin'...you do it so eloquently...
love this! love you, love the girls, love that little man!! thank you for sharing it with all of us. you and matt are both amazing (as if there was ever any doubt!) and handled the situations beautifully. God knew exactly which mama and papa were right for clay. a perfect, beautiful, colorful match!
ReplyDeleteThere is a great chapter about this and the way parents don't discuss racial differences and the negative impact this has in the book "Nurtureshock" by Bronson & Merryman. It is really interesting! There are a number of studies discussed and I found it very eye opening. Our generation is all about not wanting our kids to notice a difference in skin colour but of course they do! It's okay to acknowledge difference and in fact it makes it ess taboo if we do! The book is worth a read and has lots of other interesting stuff about rasing kids!
ReplyDeletethis post is amazing. truly.
ReplyDeletethe other day, we were driving home from vacation, and emma had been playing a game - first person to spot a dolphin driving a car wins! (she won every time, *giggle*) so we were at a stoplight, and a black man was riding by on his bicycle ... she said, "dolphin driving a bicycle!" i said, "that's not a dolphin," and she replied, "i was just kidding, that's a man."
as she was saying that 2nd sentence, i fully expected her to differentiate the fact that he was a black man, but he was "a man" to her. where we live (in south carolina, so i'm shocked that you encountered kids who had never seen black people) there are many black (and brown) people. she's had black kids in her preschool class and church nursery. our neighbors (and her playmates) are indian.
she's never mentioned skin color and we've never brought it up, but it does make me wonder what she sees. is she so used to seeing different colors that they really aren't that different to her? i hope so.
i was brought up with a huge (and negative) awareness, and i still struggle with it. i don't ever want emma to struggle.
i'm so thankful and SO encouraged by the comments and discussion here. i'm so thankful that you all care.
ReplyDeletemommy lisa--i can imagine ellie doing this and i think what i'd do is talk to her about it a lot while not in the situation. like..."ellie, you really love the way her skin looks, huh? it's beautiful. we need to be really careful to be grateful for exactly how God made us though. isn't your skin beautiful, too? so, next time...how 'bout we say....." [she's pretty or i like her skin or whatever you think!]
beth--i wouldn't have been offended at all! i think it's important to realize though that my experience is going to be way different than a lot of people that are out with their cute, little brown babies. most of them will be their biological children. and i will never be able to speak for the black women that have lived with history their whole lives.
I love you wholeheartedly, precious Love!
ReplyDeleteAnd I can say, honestly...I don't usually notice color differences. Not to sound good; I just don't. My mom (white) remarried a Hispanic man when I was four and all of my (5) half-siblings are the most wonderful shades of pale alabaster to creamy chocolate. My best friend from kindergarten until 4th grade when we moved, was a beautiful girl with skin so dark, it had a blue sheen to it's blackness. We loved playing with and fixing up each other's hair because it felt so different :) There was lots of times that I wished for darker skin growing up, just because it was prettier! I was so blessed to be surrounded by His many beautiful colors early on and I want the same for my children. Thank you for opening my eyes to see that they may not be seeing in color as much as they could be, but yet how much more important it is to look for the character, than the color of a person. I wish we (people in general) didn't make it so complicated.
Oh, and I never consciously noted the color difference between you and Matt...I just thought that since you and the girls are all beautifully golden shades, he must work inside and didn't get as much pool time as y'all, heheee!
Finally, even I noticed the beautiful shade that Clay is (I love how his skin sparkles), but more importantly, it's inspiring to see the joy pouring forth from his sweet face. What a rich reward :)